


Don't Get Lost In IKEA

by Barnababy, jojojojojoestar



Category: Free!, Free! Eternal Summer - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Profanity, Swearing, Thugisa, australian rin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 22:49:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4117567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barnababy/pseuds/Barnababy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jojojojojoestar/pseuds/jojojojojoestar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sousuke is lost in IKEA and there they meet people and have fun adventures ;) (crack fic)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Get Lost In IKEA

It’s a new semester, and the ex-Iwatobi and ex-Samezuka boys went to IKEA to supply Sousuke with the necessary materials for university life.The dark-haired broken-shouldered bara tiddies youth had just gotten a new apartment, and he had planned to get new furniture and items himself. However, his friends from Samezuka and Iwatobi had found out his plans and joined him on that fateful weekend.

  
"Sou-chan, how about that fluffy pink toilet seat?"

  
"No."

  
"Okay, okay you gotta get this bunk bed with the fairy lights!"

  
"Nagisa, no."

  
"Well what about-"

  
"No."

  
Sousuke sighed as he followed his friends through the aisles, forced to listen to Nagisa's ridiculous suggestions, and occasionally hearing soft mumbling from Nanase. He didn’t question it.

  
“What about those things?” Nagisa inquired.

  
“Hell (to the) no.” Sousuke replied.

  
Sousuke was beginning to think he would never be able to leave this God forsaken maze. Whatever, as long as he stuck to them he'd be fine and wouldn’t get lost.

  
But RIP he got lost. One look at the whaleshark bedsheets was all it took. Good onya Sousuke. He swears he only turned around for a few seconds.

  
“Well crikey, we lost ‘im.” Rin exasperated.

  
“Is he going to be ok?.”Makoto worried.

  
"Homeboy screwed himself sideways. Better prepare lube.”

  
“Nagisa! Language!” Makoto scolded.

  
“Aight momma, whatever you say.”

  
“I am NOT the team mom!”

  
Then Sugawara entered the scene with his Karasuno entourage and pats Makoto on the back.

  
“I know that feel, man. Wait, what happened to Kageyama and Hinata?”

  
“I dunno who your children are, but they better not run into Easter Dave.” Nagisa commented.

  
“Who IS Easter Dave anyway?” Haru asked, speaking up for the first time during the trip.

  
“Just a cool slut from ma prison days. He ain’t kind to sweaty freshmen.”

  
“They’ll be apples.” Rin interrupted. “What I’m worried about is Sousuke. He is gone walkabout. It might take ages to find him.”

  
Sousuke looked around, bewildered. He really wasn’t sure what to do now. Should he wait for the others or go look for them?

  
He chose to search because he couldn’t stand sitting around doing nothing, it would be like admitting defeat. He walked around the store,looking up and down aisles, around corners, and through shortcuts, but saw no sign of his companions. That is, until Kisumi appeared behind the bookshelves, dripping with water.

  
“What the hell.” Sousuke sighed.

  
Translation:  
They’ll be apples: They’ll be fine  
Gone walkabout: Can’t be found

 

  
\---------

 

  
_30 Minutes ago_

  
“Man, my mouth is as dry as a dead dingo’s donger.”

  
“Ooh, how about we find the café then? We can continue looking for Sousuke afterward.” Makoto offered.

“Water,” Haru whispers. Everyone ignores him. “Taste so good.”

  
When they walk into the cafe they see Kisumi talking amiably with the cashier, an attractive, young man with an eyepatch who smells like happiness filled with dew and tears.

“Ah. Kisumi!” Makoto exclaimed.

  
Kisumi turned around, a surprised look on his face, flaunted, and gave them a small wave and a luxurious smile as he turned back to quickly finish off his order. Grabbing his sandwich and drink, he skipped towards the group with a jolly grin on his face.

  
“Wow, what a surprise seeing you guys here! What are you up to?” he asked.

  
“Well,” Makoto replied “we were helping Sousuke look for furniture for his new apartment, but we lost him along the way”.

  
“Ah, I see I see. That might be a problem, as Sousuke-kun is terrible with directions.”

  
“Yeah, the poor bloke may be 20 clicks away, quite cooee.”

  
“Is Haru-chan not with you guys today?” Kisumi asked them.

  
Makoto looked around him confused, because Haru should’ve been there. He wasn’t.

  
“He was here just a while ago…”

  
They all looked back at the register as their attention was grabbed by a loud, tall and brightly clothed man yelling french words and offering fake IKEA flowers to the cashier.  
“Tsukiyama-san, please, this is not the place”

  
“But amoré, j'aime ton mignon derriere!”

  
“Please stop.”

  
“S’il vous plâit coucher avec mon dick.”

  
As the strange couple continued their bickering, their attention was brought back to Haru, who had returned to them with water bottles in hand. He handed one to Rin and another to Makoto.

  
“I would have prefered amber fluid, but I guess this is ripper enough.”

  
Haru opened his bottle and turned towards the pink-haired man.

  
“Kisumi.”

  
“..Haru?”

  
Haru proceeded to wave his arm as swift as a coursing river, drenching Kisumi in the process.

  
"HAAAH?" Kisumi exclaimed, "Haru-chan why?! Watashi wa so WET. And you made me like this. How could you?!"

  
Haru glares in reply. "You had it coming."

  
"I think we should leave before Haru escalates."

  
Rei approached from the distance, "Guys!"

  
"Everyone! Just act natural, ma man is coming! And not in the bedroom way."

  
“Well then, guess someone is going to crack a fat tonight.”

  
Translation:  
Dead dingo’s donger: Dry  
Clicks: Kilometers  
Cooee: Far  
J'aime ton mignon derriere: I like your cute behind.  
Amber fluid: Beer  
Ripper: Great  
Crack a fat: Get an erection

 

  
\--------

 

  
"So why are you so wet? Wait, I don't want to know. Let's just find you a bathroom." Sousuke starts to walk in a random direction in search of a bathroom.

  
“Um, Sousuke-kun, would you happen to be lost?”

  
“Shut up, I know where I’m going.” Sousuke retorted, and continued walking in the same direction.

  
'I have no idea where I am going.'

  
"Yeah, I'm sure, but why are you alone then?" Kisumi inquired, even though he knew why and eyerolls.

  
"Whatever, let's just find you a bathroom." Sousuke answers as he continues to walk in the direction of the arrow on the floor.

  
"Wait, how do you know it's that way?"

  
"I don't." Sousuke grunts, getting increasingly irritated, because this conversation was getting nowhere.

 

  
\-----------

 

  
The group continued to shop and search for Sousuke with Rei in tow. Haru added seemingly random items to the basket, such as towels, a dolphin statue, and myriads of rubber ducks. No one notices (or seems to care). Somewhere along the way he had wrapped fairy lights around the dolphin statue.

  
Makoto, having realised that Haru was getting bored, assigned him the role of writing down the names of the furniture that they would get later from the warehouse area.

  
“Let Haru give it a burl, even though his kangaroos loose in the top paddock.”

  
Haru was surprisingly enthusiastic about it, and immediately began scribbling down in a notebook that they handed him, before they had even decided on any furniture.  
‘I can’t read.’ Haru thought to himself. ‘They shall never know.’

  
Haru proceeded to write on his newly found love, the notebook, and upon it he tried to articulate words onto the pages. However, the “words” seemed more like incantations, but Haru payed no mind. He could always tell the others that this was just “artistic impression”.

  
"Doesn't Haru look happy with that paper over there? What do you think he's writing, 'cause I know what I'd want to order." Nagisa commented.

  
"Oh god, please no." Rei pleaded.

 

  
"A bigass picture frame."  
"Wait, why? That sounds surprisingly normal."

  
"To put all your sexy photos in." Nagisa continued. "And a dick in a box." He smirked.

  
Translation:  
Give it a burl: Try it  
Kangaroos loose in the top paddock: Intellectually inadequate

 

  
\------

 

  
Having eventually found a bathroom, they walked in with exasperated sighs. As they entered, they heard loud voices from within.

  
“I still can’t believe this Aominecchi! The guy just randomly sprayed me with water because he said I sounded just like someone he disliked! What kind of reasoning is that?!”

  
“Just forget it, Kise. He’s just some asshole who’s messed up in the head. I heard him chanting under his breath as he walked away. What a weirdo..”

  
“I’m still angry!!”

  
Sousuke and Kisumi gave each other understanding looks. Haru.

  
“Just dry off and let’s get out of here, please” Sousuke whispered to him. Kisumi nodded, and shuffled past the angry pretty boy in order to get to the other dryer.

  
"Hey Kise, I know what will make you less angry." Aomine says as he draws closer to Kise, mischief dancing in his eyes, impure intentions clouding his vision.

  
Kise pushed him away. "Not now Aominecchi, I'm wet and just really want to go home." He turned away, blushing.

  
Aomine winked at him and Kise punched him in the shoulder.

  
Sousuke winced and decided that this would be a good time to leave if Kisumi wasn't taking so long to dry off. Damn him.

  
Aomine still hadn’t moved away, and Kise could feel Aomine’s gaze on him, and started to feel hot. They both then realised that they still have company, and moved away from each other with awkward coughs. Aomine grabbed Kise’s arm and pulled him out of the bathroom, muttering things about ‘continuing this at home’ and a mention of a bed.

  
Sousuke really just wanted to run as far away as possible but he still had the problem of being completely and utterly lost in IKEA. He urged Kisumi to hurry but he seemed more comfortable with everything that just happened than Sousuke and saw no reason to quicken his pace.

 

  
\------

 

  
The shopping cart crew were approaching the end of the store with still no sign of Sousuke. The toy section was coming up and Rei could feel Nagisa jittering with excitement. Rei was becoming more apprehensive.

  
As they got closer they heard shouting and it was getting louder.

  
"BALL IS LIFE BAKA!" As the group rounded the corner they could see two boys, one setting plushie balls and the other spiking them with fiery enthusiasm.

  
The setter had an intense glare that became fixated on the group as they approached, dark hair obscuring his face. The spiker had bright orange hair, but he was running fast enough to become an orange blur before the swimming group.

"Hey Kageyama, set another." Hinata called out.There were balls flying everywhere at speeds that the boys didn’t think was possible.

  
"There's too much ball movement in this room, if you know what I mean." Nagisa commented with a sideways glance to Rei.

  
"Nagisa-kun, can you not." Rei replied taking his head in his hands.

  
“What? I’m just joking.”

  
"You're a crappy friend."

  
"I may be crappy, but I'm your crappy BITCH."

  
Sugawara walked up to Nagisa and slapped him, saying “Watch your language around the children.” Then he went to ruffle Kageyama’s hair. He placed his hands on Kageyama and Hinata's shoulders and smiled.

  
"Please clean up before Daichi sees the mess you've made".

  
At the mention of Daichi, fear appeared in the eyes of the two volleyball-crazed boys, and they immediately ran off to pick up the balls that were all over the toy section, trying to quickly finish before their fearsome captain showed up.

  
"HINATA YOU IDIOT, HURRY UP"

  
"I AM, YOU DUMBASS!"

  
"Get fuckin rekt, freshers" Nagisa snickered. Rei smacked him across the head with a brochure and pushed up his glasses.

  
"If Nagisa is done with his unnecessary side comments, we shall continue with our duties and meet up with Yamazaki-kun before it gets late."

  
Makoto nodded in agreement. "Rei's right. We should move on, we don't want to waste time."

  
"Fiiiiinee." Nagisa whined. "Hey, Rei-chan, can I see that brochure for a second?"

  
"Alright Nagisa-kun. Are you interested in finding something?" Rei replied.

  
Nagisa rolled up the brochure and slapped Rei's ass. "I'm a pirate interested in finding the booty. " he said with a wink.

  
"Nagisa-kuuuuuun."

  
“You gotta admit, he does have a cute freckle.” Rin added in.

  
Translation:  
Freckle: Arse

 

  
\-------

 

  
The group continued towards the warehouse section and Haru began to chant, “By the darkest sun that casts its menacing rays in the furthest madness, we sense your intentions IKEA shoppers.”

  
“Haru, this is not the place for your demon voice, can you please stop.” Makoto implored him.

  
Nagisa shuddered. "That boy is really startin' to creep me out."

  
"I still cannot acclimate to his unusual habits." Rei sighed.

  
Haru scribbled in the notebook more intensely, then cracks his neck.

  
"That sounded like a nasty crack mate, are you grouse? It sounded like you come a gutser." Rin inquired Haru.

  
“Now that you mention it, we haven’t been training as much as we used to, we should stretch more.” Makoto suggested.

  
“Spread those legs.” Nagisa enthused.

  
“Well bugger me! Aren’t ya toeier than a Roman’s sandals, Nagisa?”

  
"I have no idea what you're saying, you fuckin' Aussie."

  
“Fuck off fuckknuckle. Fuck me dead! I don’t give a rat’s arse if you don’t understand. Everyone else seems to know what I am yabbering about.”

  
“Mmm whatcha say.”

  
“Hush guys, we’re here. Haru do you have the paper with the furniture numbers on it?” Makoto asked. Haru handed Makoto the notebook he had been writing in the whole time. Makoto stared at the paper for a while. “Haru...what is this?”

  
“The furniture.” Haru answered bluntly.

  
“Haru, these are just drawings! We need the names to get the furniture items! What happened?”

  
“Damn Haru, this looks crazier than that poster you made for the club.” Nagisa added. “What are we gonna do now? We could always get outta here, Rei-chan.”

  
“This may come as a shock to you, but I can’t read.” Haru confessed.

  
“Oh, I forgot. Sorry Haru.” Makoto replied.

  
“Christ, what a bloke. Now it’s confirmed that his kangaroo's loose on the top paddock.”

  
“And the shopping cart appears to be full of miscellaneous objects and a large supply of rubber ducks” Rei observed. “It doesn’t seem like we possess items of any importance.”

“Well that was a fuckin’ waste of time. I coulda been payin’ off ma debts to Easter Dave but naww, I decided to help out ma old pal Sou-chan. C’mon Rei-chan, let’s blow this popsicle stand. I don’t wanna hear sharkboy over there spoutin’ more Master Chef Australia shit, and dolphin boy is too dehydrated.”

The group headed towards the exit, led by a pissed off Nagisa. As they got closer they saw a large figure leaning against a pillar, accompanied by another. “Yo the loser’s alive! I’ve been stuck with these bozos all day and I’ve just about had it.” Nagisa exclaimed.

Rin ran to hug Sousuke, yelling, “Sousuke! Where have you been?” as tears ran down his face.

“Chill, Rin. This is embarrassing.”

Haru walked up to the pair with the rest of the group and Kisumi jumped behind Sousuke, using him as a shield and clutching onto his shoulders, cowering in fear.

Sousuke winced. “Tch. My shoulder!!”

“Stop Kisumi! You know about his shoulder.” Rin scolded.

“After what HE did to me?!” Kisumi gestured to Haru.

  
“I was really thirsty, and you happened to be in the way. I am a river.”

  
“You’re so mean to me, Haru-chan!”

  
“Nagisa-kun, why is this pink-haired bishounen arguing with Haruka-senpai and Rin-san?” Rei asked Nagisa.

  
“Ignore them weak-ass dildos, they don’t matter and I’m tired of their shit. Let’s leave already. I'm bouncing."

  
Makoto tried to get his friends to simmer down and told them to calm their non-ass, bara-less tiddies.

  
Sousuke sighed and rubbed his temples. “I’m never shopping with you people ever again.”

Translations:  
Grouse: okay  
Come a gutser: Had an accident  
Bugger me: I’ll be damned  
Toeoier than a Roman’s sandals: extremely horny  
Fuck me dead: Oh my! (exclamation)  
Fucknuckle: Dickhead  
I don’t give a rat’s arse: I don’t give a damn  
Yabber: Talk  
Bloke: Baka

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly based off of the parody "50% off". Sorry for the mess, it was a 3-person collaboration. We hope you enjoy our humour, because we had a lot of fun writing this.


End file.
